I have been at my sister's in AZ this past week, which has been nice, interesting, but nice. I haven't visited her and her family for years, and I've never visited while they've lived here. I love my sister but I think I'm only just now starting to realize how very different we really are. And while they really only criticize a select few subjects, I honestly just cannot stand the criticism they do dish out on those subjects. And sometimes she makes me angry for stupid reasons. Oh wait, it's the new year. I'm going to stop right there with my little and loud complaints because none of that is really important right now. What is important is that it is a new year and I'm going to do what I can - no, scratch that. I'm going to make this a good year. The first in a very long time.
Sometimes it's hard to be yourself when you don't feel at liberty to speak your mind or say what you want. And the annoying thing is that that is exactly how I feel with practically everyone. I can't think of even one person to whom I would feel truly comfortable saying anything. Sometimes what you have to say is not nice or good or worthwhile, but regardless, you just need to say it, even if it's just for you.
I need to make a new blog devoted to what should be my one and only real goal for this year. I'll have to do that when I get back.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Done
This year I may actually end up ruining Christmas. I hate everything right now and can't seem to get a hold of my emotions. Ever feel like you're spiraling out of control and will snap at any moment at some poor innocent bystander who really has nothing to do with the reasons behind your angst, anger, and insanity?
Sometimes I just want to go screaming through the streets, or resort to some of my earlier dysfunctional behaviors - maybe then people would actually believe that I really am "having a hard time". What do I have to do to prove that I'm crazy, that it would be better for everyone around me, (not to mention safer), if I could just go away for a while until I figure this stupid life out? And why is it that people never seem to notice or care that anything's wrong until you do something drastic or crazy? I know, it's because everyone else is too busy living their actual lives. And I'm probably just jealous that I can't seem to do that, or anything else for that matter. But in all actuality, I don't know what good it would do for people to worry and crap because that's all it would be - wasted energy worrying when there is nothing that can really be done.
I'm clearly not cut out for this. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this. Can't I please just be done now? Why didn't that stupid horse do me in this summer? If I can't figure out how to change and if this is the way it's going to be forever then what good am I? I don't have any hope left, I just want to be done, but I'm too spineless to finish anything.
It's bad when I start imagining scenarios because I have a terrible imagination and I'm the least creative person anyone has ever met. But tonight I had to lock my car door as we were driving on the highway because I didn't trust that my hands wouldn't try to open the car door, and I didn't trust my body to stay in the seat.
Sometimes I just want to go screaming through the streets, or resort to some of my earlier dysfunctional behaviors - maybe then people would actually believe that I really am "having a hard time". What do I have to do to prove that I'm crazy, that it would be better for everyone around me, (not to mention safer), if I could just go away for a while until I figure this stupid life out? And why is it that people never seem to notice or care that anything's wrong until you do something drastic or crazy? I know, it's because everyone else is too busy living their actual lives. And I'm probably just jealous that I can't seem to do that, or anything else for that matter. But in all actuality, I don't know what good it would do for people to worry and crap because that's all it would be - wasted energy worrying when there is nothing that can really be done.
I'm clearly not cut out for this. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this. Can't I please just be done now? Why didn't that stupid horse do me in this summer? If I can't figure out how to change and if this is the way it's going to be forever then what good am I? I don't have any hope left, I just want to be done, but I'm too spineless to finish anything.
It's bad when I start imagining scenarios because I have a terrible imagination and I'm the least creative person anyone has ever met. But tonight I had to lock my car door as we were driving on the highway because I didn't trust that my hands wouldn't try to open the car door, and I didn't trust my body to stay in the seat.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Forgiveness
The other day my sister told me a quote about forgiveness. It went something like this: Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past.
Two things struck me as I thought about what that meant. The first thing was that I wanted to CRY when I heard it, and I wanted to scream because I couldn't get past the giving up hope part. The second thought was that, as difficult as it was to accept and believe, I knew it was a true statement.
So why does it feel so impossible to actually do? Why do I feel so hopeless and angry about it? And why can't I let it all go and FREAKING move on with MY life????
Two things struck me as I thought about what that meant. The first thing was that I wanted to CRY when I heard it, and I wanted to scream because I couldn't get past the giving up hope part. The second thought was that, as difficult as it was to accept and believe, I knew it was a true statement.
So why does it feel so impossible to actually do? Why do I feel so hopeless and angry about it? And why can't I let it all go and FREAKING move on with MY life????
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Quick Wish List
Digital picture frame
External hard drive
New shoes - actually this is not a wish, it is a must before I go back to school since I have absolutely ZERO pairs of shoes that I can wear when I'm actually at school.
Digital camera that actually works
External hard drive
New shoes - actually this is not a wish, it is a must before I go back to school since I have absolutely ZERO pairs of shoes that I can wear when I'm actually at school.
Digital camera that actually works
Sunday, July 12, 2009
What is the Answer?
I am so annoyed right now, and I realize I probably shouldn't even be writing right now because I am so annoyed, but gosh darn it, I'm going to spew about it and by all means feel free to skip this entry because I can guarantee it's not going to make much sense, nor will it be very pleasant to read. It's more for me than anyone, so consider yourselves warned.
I don't know what the answer is right now and I hate not having an answer. I hate not being able to figure out an answer. I hate feeling like whatever I decide to do is going to be wrong, like whatever I decide to do is going to be a decision I'm going to regret making at some point in the future. And the really annoying thing is that, in all honesty, I could talk it all out, talk it to death, talk about it til I was blue in the face going round and round in circles, and I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I would be totally, completely 100% happy with. Ok, that is extremely unrealistic. I don't think I've ever in my life been totally or 100% happy with any decision I've made, so scratch that. What I mean to say is that I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I could live with and entirely accept. I know, I know, life is tough, right? Filled with hard decisions. I just need to learn to deal. Making a decision wouldn't be so hard for me if I could just stop being a fence sitter for five minutes and figure out what the crap it is that I want.
And I'm sure I am probably also reading too much into it, thinking about the whole incident in terms of it being a sign or a push in a certain direction rather than just something that happened, another event in life, one more thing to chalk up to experience, an additional trial to work through. But I don't know how to work through it. It doesn't feel like a trial. It feels like a skyscraper I can't see the top of or begin to scale because I don't have the resources to climb over it, or even to just make it to the top.
Oh wait, hello. Skyscraper = Trial
I must have hit my head harder than I thought last week. I'm losing my ability to reason intelligently. Or maybe I'm just realizing that I never had that ability.
I shouldn't be thinking about it this late at night because it just makes my head hurt even more and it just seems like the solution is even farther than I already imagine. My perspective is often skewed and screwed up during the day, and it's that much worse late at night. But here's the thing I also worry about to no end: I don't want to participate in or be a part of these patterns of self-sabotage that have been so popular with at least one member of my family. I don't want to continue that negative trend in my life just for the sake of being "right". The truth is that a part of me (and I'd be lying if I said it was a small part) was against this from the beginning because it just plain didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel ready for it. And while I'm being completely honest, in some ways, it still doesn't and I still feel so ill-prepared. I couldn't understand their thought processes when it came to this whole free horse thing way back when. And now part of me wonders if one of the main reasons I so desperately and almost too readily want to throw in the towel and give up on this whole thing (which at times seems like a ridiculous situation to begin with and yet sometimes feels like the right thing to do) is so that I will be able to prove myself right and prove them wrong, so that I'll have self-fulfilled my earlier "prophecy" of it being ridiculous for me to have a horse right now.
Okay, HF, what do you want me to learn from this? What am I supposed to do about this? I just hope I can learn whatever I need to learn from this experience quickly. I hope my learning curve isn't as slow as it seems to be because I don't know how much longer I can agonize over this. So maybe I should just stop agonizing over it. What a novel idea. And for the record, I do realize how badly it could have ended on Thursday, and I am grateful that I'm still alive, and pretty much unscathed considering.
And in actuality and while I'm having this brief moment of clarity, the answer probably is that I just need to have more faith and not worry about finding "the answer" right now. I need to learn to just step into the darkness, take the plunge, and I need to learn to have the hope that it will all end up working out for the best, no matter what I decide.
I don't know what the answer is right now and I hate not having an answer. I hate not being able to figure out an answer. I hate feeling like whatever I decide to do is going to be wrong, like whatever I decide to do is going to be a decision I'm going to regret making at some point in the future. And the really annoying thing is that, in all honesty, I could talk it all out, talk it to death, talk about it til I was blue in the face going round and round in circles, and I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I would be totally, completely 100% happy with. Ok, that is extremely unrealistic. I don't think I've ever in my life been totally or 100% happy with any decision I've made, so scratch that. What I mean to say is that I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I could live with and entirely accept. I know, I know, life is tough, right? Filled with hard decisions. I just need to learn to deal. Making a decision wouldn't be so hard for me if I could just stop being a fence sitter for five minutes and figure out what the crap it is that I want.
And I'm sure I am probably also reading too much into it, thinking about the whole incident in terms of it being a sign or a push in a certain direction rather than just something that happened, another event in life, one more thing to chalk up to experience, an additional trial to work through. But I don't know how to work through it. It doesn't feel like a trial. It feels like a skyscraper I can't see the top of or begin to scale because I don't have the resources to climb over it, or even to just make it to the top.
Oh wait, hello. Skyscraper = Trial
I must have hit my head harder than I thought last week. I'm losing my ability to reason intelligently. Or maybe I'm just realizing that I never had that ability.
I shouldn't be thinking about it this late at night because it just makes my head hurt even more and it just seems like the solution is even farther than I already imagine. My perspective is often skewed and screwed up during the day, and it's that much worse late at night. But here's the thing I also worry about to no end: I don't want to participate in or be a part of these patterns of self-sabotage that have been so popular with at least one member of my family. I don't want to continue that negative trend in my life just for the sake of being "right". The truth is that a part of me (and I'd be lying if I said it was a small part) was against this from the beginning because it just plain didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel ready for it. And while I'm being completely honest, in some ways, it still doesn't and I still feel so ill-prepared. I couldn't understand their thought processes when it came to this whole free horse thing way back when. And now part of me wonders if one of the main reasons I so desperately and almost too readily want to throw in the towel and give up on this whole thing (which at times seems like a ridiculous situation to begin with and yet sometimes feels like the right thing to do) is so that I will be able to prove myself right and prove them wrong, so that I'll have self-fulfilled my earlier "prophecy" of it being ridiculous for me to have a horse right now.
Okay, HF, what do you want me to learn from this? What am I supposed to do about this? I just hope I can learn whatever I need to learn from this experience quickly. I hope my learning curve isn't as slow as it seems to be because I don't know how much longer I can agonize over this. So maybe I should just stop agonizing over it. What a novel idea. And for the record, I do realize how badly it could have ended on Thursday, and I am grateful that I'm still alive, and pretty much unscathed considering.
And in actuality and while I'm having this brief moment of clarity, the answer probably is that I just need to have more faith and not worry about finding "the answer" right now. I need to learn to just step into the darkness, take the plunge, and I need to learn to have the hope that it will all end up working out for the best, no matter what I decide.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Random
A few random thoughts for the evening...
How much of a watermelon is actually composed of water?
I desperately need a haircut, but haven't gotten one because A) I don't know what I want or how to describe what I want to a hairdresser B) I can't get what I want right now because my layers are all weird
A while ago I saw an infomercial for this hair tool thing that looked awesome; it was a straightener, but it could curl sections of hair as well and give it body, etc, but I can't remember WHAT it was called or which channel I saw it on!! I really want it, or I at least think I want it at the moment.
I should probably get some kind of hoof supplement for my horse because her hooves are cracking like crazy, but there are sooo many I don't know which one to get, which one will be the best? I feel paralyzed by my indecision...
I'm supposed to go to Busch Gardens with a friend a week from Saturday but I don't really want to, mostly because I just looked up the price and found out it's pretty much ridiculous. Especially when I am trying to save money, which isn't really working due to the fact that I have a horse to take care of now.
A few days ago my horse lost her halter somewhere in the field. I went looking for it today which was hilarious because my horse followed me as I was scouring the field to find it. I kept telling her, "Where's your halter? Go find your halter" and a minute or two later she walked ahead of me a few feet and as if on cue, stopped and smelled her halter which was on the ground. I would've found it sooner or later, but I definitely appreciated the fact that she pointed it out to me.
How much of a watermelon is actually composed of water?
I desperately need a haircut, but haven't gotten one because A) I don't know what I want or how to describe what I want to a hairdresser B) I can't get what I want right now because my layers are all weird
A while ago I saw an infomercial for this hair tool thing that looked awesome; it was a straightener, but it could curl sections of hair as well and give it body, etc, but I can't remember WHAT it was called or which channel I saw it on!! I really want it, or I at least think I want it at the moment.
I should probably get some kind of hoof supplement for my horse because her hooves are cracking like crazy, but there are sooo many I don't know which one to get, which one will be the best? I feel paralyzed by my indecision...
I'm supposed to go to Busch Gardens with a friend a week from Saturday but I don't really want to, mostly because I just looked up the price and found out it's pretty much ridiculous. Especially when I am trying to save money, which isn't really working due to the fact that I have a horse to take care of now.
A few days ago my horse lost her halter somewhere in the field. I went looking for it today which was hilarious because my horse followed me as I was scouring the field to find it. I kept telling her, "Where's your halter? Go find your halter" and a minute or two later she walked ahead of me a few feet and as if on cue, stopped and smelled her halter which was on the ground. I would've found it sooner or later, but I definitely appreciated the fact that she pointed it out to me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
My Horse Secretly Loves Me
So I rode my horse for the first time since we brought her back from the trainer's last Thursday. And what does she do like 10 minutes into it? She tries to buck me off, of course. And not just once but on two separate occasions. That being said, the key word there is tried. Luckily, I thought fast and got after her and was able to stop her without falling off. I didn't even panic like I have in the past when she acts like a brat like that. And I didn't give up or quit riding, I even made her do what I was asking her to do again, and she did and she actually behaved. Hallelujah. Thank goodness for the little successes, right?
Even though she still has the same personality traits and is stubborn and lazy and a brat (and probably always will be), at least now I have a better idea of how to handle it and how to anticipate and correct those things before they happen. This is definitely going to be an interesting journey with this horse, that is for sure. And even though she occasionally tries to kill me, my horse secretly loves me...I'll keep telling myself that anyway :o)
Even though she still has the same personality traits and is stubborn and lazy and a brat (and probably always will be), at least now I have a better idea of how to handle it and how to anticipate and correct those things before they happen. This is definitely going to be an interesting journey with this horse, that is for sure. And even though she occasionally tries to kill me, my horse secretly loves me...I'll keep telling myself that anyway :o)
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