What is the Answer?

I am so annoyed right now, and I realize I probably shouldn't even be writing right now because I am so annoyed, but gosh darn it, I'm going to spew about it and by all means feel free to skip this entry because I can guarantee it's not going to make much sense, nor will it be very pleasant to read. It's more for me than anyone, so consider yourselves warned.

I don't know what the answer is right now and I hate not having an answer. I hate not being able to figure out an answer. I hate feeling like whatever I decide to do is going to be wrong, like whatever I decide to do is going to be a decision I'm going to regret making at some point in the future. And the really annoying thing is that, in all honesty, I could talk it all out, talk it to death, talk about it til I was blue in the face going round and round in circles, and I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I would be totally, completely 100% happy with. Ok, that is extremely unrealistic. I don't think I've ever in my life been totally or 100% happy with any decision I've made, so scratch that. What I mean to say is that I still would be no closer to a viable solution that I could live with and entirely accept. I know, I know, life is tough, right? Filled with hard decisions. I just need to learn to deal. Making a decision wouldn't be so hard for me if I could just stop being a fence sitter for five minutes and figure out what the crap it is that I want.

And I'm sure I am probably also reading too much into it, thinking about the whole incident in terms of it being a sign or a push in a certain direction rather than just something that happened, another event in life, one more thing to chalk up to experience, an additional trial to work through. But I don't know how to work through it. It doesn't feel like a trial. It feels like a skyscraper I can't see the top of or begin to scale because I don't have the resources to climb over it, or even to just make it to the top.

Oh wait, hello. Skyscraper = Trial
I must have hit my head harder than I thought last week. I'm losing my ability to reason intelligently. Or maybe I'm just realizing that I never had that ability.

I shouldn't be thinking about it this late at night because it just makes my head hurt even more and it just seems like the solution is even farther than I already imagine. My perspective is often skewed and screwed up during the day, and it's that much worse late at night. But here's the thing I also worry about to no end: I don't want to participate in or be a part of these patterns of self-sabotage that have been so popular with at least one member of my family. I don't want to continue that negative trend in my life just for the sake of being "right". The truth is that a part of me (and I'd be lying if I said it was a small part) was against this from the beginning because it just plain didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel ready for it. And while I'm being completely honest, in some ways, it still doesn't and I still feel so ill-prepared. I couldn't understand their thought processes when it came to this whole free horse thing way back when. And now part of me wonders if one of the main reasons I so desperately and almost too readily want to throw in the towel and give up on this whole thing (which at times seems like a ridiculous situation to begin with and yet sometimes feels like the right thing to do) is so that I will be able to prove myself right and prove them wrong, so that I'll have self-fulfilled my earlier "prophecy" of it being ridiculous for me to have a horse right now.

Okay, HF, what do you want me to learn from this? What am I supposed to do about this? I just hope I can learn whatever I need to learn from this experience quickly. I hope my learning curve isn't as slow as it seems to be because I don't know how much longer I can agonize over this. So maybe I should just stop agonizing over it. What a novel idea. And for the record, I do realize how badly it could have ended on Thursday, and I am grateful that I'm still alive, and pretty much unscathed considering.

And in actuality and while I'm having this brief moment of clarity, the answer probably is that I just need to have more faith and not worry about finding "the answer" right now. I need to learn to just step into the darkness, take the plunge, and I need to learn to have the hope that it will all end up working out for the best, no matter what I decide.