Done

This year I may actually end up ruining Christmas. I hate everything right now and can't seem to get a hold of my emotions. Ever feel like you're spiraling out of control and will snap at any moment at some poor innocent bystander who really has nothing to do with the reasons behind your angst, anger, and insanity?

Sometimes I just want to go screaming through the streets, or resort to some of my earlier dysfunctional behaviors - maybe then people would actually believe that I really am "having a hard time". What do I have to do to prove that I'm crazy, that it would be better for everyone around me, (not to mention safer), if I could just go away for a while until I figure this stupid life out? And why is it that people never seem to notice or care that anything's wrong until you do something drastic or crazy? I know, it's because everyone else is too busy living their actual lives. And I'm probably just jealous that I can't seem to do that, or anything else for that matter. But in all actuality, I don't know what good it would do for people to worry and crap because that's all it would be - wasted energy worrying when there is nothing that can really be done.

I'm clearly not cut out for this. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this. Can't I please just be done now? Why didn't that stupid horse do me in this summer? If I can't figure out how to change and if this is the way it's going to be forever then what good am I? I don't have any hope left, I just want to be done, but I'm too spineless to finish anything.

It's bad when I start imagining scenarios because I have a terrible imagination and I'm the least creative person anyone has ever met. But tonight I had to lock my car door as we were driving on the highway because I didn't trust that my hands wouldn't try to open the car door, and I didn't trust my body to stay in the seat.