Ok, so I'm going back to school in September after I took a semester off and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to go back. Ok, I'm petrified. Terrified. Scared you-know-what-less. Sometimes I wonder why I'm going back at all. I'm so close to being done (theoretically, at least) that it really would be foolish and stupid not to finish. And I'm thinking I've been far too foolish in my life so far and made too many mistakes to knowingly make another one. I'd really rather not throw one more log of foolishness onto the fire thanks very much. But it's so hard to want to go back, to see a need to go back when I really don't feel like I have any career goals. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I can't even decide on a minor. (At least I've finally picked a major I'm at least kind of excited about graduating with, and THAT's progress for me, let me tell ya). It's just soo frustrating sometimes! And at the same time I know that in all liklihood it doesn't really matter what I decide to minor in, what matters is that I finish and get a degree (any degree!), and get out. Move on with my life. I'll worry about a career and internship and all that when I have to.
Plus, this is the first year I've been able to get financial aid and I would be stupid, STOO-PID not to go back now. That makes it sound like I'm complaining or ungrateful. I'm really not, I promise! I am sooo lucky and grateful that my tuition this semester will basically be paid for and that I don't have to take out any more loans. There were far more college students that needed financial help much worse that I ever did in previous years, but I am extremely grateful that I was able to receive financial aid for this semester since the whole reason I deferred last semester was financial. Getting this aid makes me want to decide on a career goal even more. I'll figure it out, it just might take a while. And that's ok, I gotta keep reminding myself of that.
So I know I'm scared to go back to school, so I've been trying to figure out ways to prepare myself, things I can do to make it easier for myself when I am back in college mode. What's that scripture again? "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" This is why I need to read scriptures more, then I might actually find ways to make life easier for myself. Anyway, so I've been stressing out about taking this english class that I have signed up for twice now if previous semesters and ended up dropping it last minute because I am a wimp and the idea of writing a 10-15 page research paper totally freaks me out. Well, I signed up for it this semester because I just really need to get it over with and out of the way, and I need to break this pattern of signing up for it and psyching myself out and then dropping it.
So to keep an already long story from getting any longer unnecessarily, I am trying to teach myself how to speed read as well as trying to figure out a few good topic ideas for a research paper that I could actually write about. I just started practicing some speed reading today. It's proving to be more difficult that I thought. It's definitely not as easy as it sounds, or as easy as I thought. People always make it look so easy. My sister can read novels in 30 min to an hour. It takes me weeks to finish reading a novel. But anyway, I am excited to devote more time to this and even though I wasn't impressed with my practice today (and I'm not sure how much of what I read I actually understood or retained), I did increase my reading speed. And that's something to be proud of.
A 10-15 page research paper may seem tough, but if thats all that is holding you back girl, the rest of life should be a piece of cake. Once you pick a topic and start writing, I promise you a 15 page research paper is not as bad as it sounds. But again I had to write like 8 10 pagers a semester so I guess I shouldn't tell you what the average non poli sci student should think.
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