scarf girl

It's official. I have become scarf girl. I am now someone that other people give scarves to because they don't know what else to get. Don't get me wrong, I like scarves, in fact, I've started collecting them, but I'm worried about what this implies about me as a person. I'm annoyed at myself that I have allowed myself to be so distant for so long that my friends (who, in theory, I'm supposed to be close to and who are supposed to be the people who know me the best) get me scarves because they don't know what else to give me. It's like when you draw a co-worker's name for Secret Santa and you end up getting them hand lotion or stationary because you don't know them well enough to know what they want or what they would like. And I realize that this sounds like a diatribe against friends, and I'm sorry because it's really NOT that at all. Really I'm just venting my anger and frustration at myself.

Really I'm just disappointed in myself because it is so obviously NO one's fault but my own that people don't know me well enough to know what I like.

I don't know how I got to be so impersonal and distant and removed, but I HATE it. HATE. IT. I keep holding my breath, hoping things will get better. Hoping I'll change or something. Every year I think, "This is MY year, this will be the year I change and have the life I want, be the person I want to be. This will be the year I'll break the cycle" but every year I disappoint myself - again.

Sometimes I really do wish I had a backbone, that I would stop being so wishy-washy and just do it. I'm just so tired of doing and being this day in and day out. Whenever I get like this I have to keep reminding myself about all the times I could/should have died but didn't (some of those times self-inflicted and others not). Apparently, I'm still here for some reason, or at least I like to think so. I just hate not knowing what that reason is.

It's especially disheartening right now because there's not even one thing that I feel good about in my life right now. I don't even like my job, which I should totally enjoy, but I don't. I don't know, it's just sad when the only thing you feel like you have to look forward to is a T.V. show in the middle of the week. Blah, get out of this funk. No wonder you don't have any friends.