I don't know what is going on these past few days or why I feel so out of sorts and down. This semester started off so well, but it has slowly deteriorated and now that it's almost over I just can't seem to care anymore. I don't care that I don't know what I will write my research paper about, nor do I care that I only have 5 (soon to be 4) weeks left to write it and really have no idea of what my focus should be. Apparently not even the fact that this paper would be the only thing keeping me from graduating this semester is enough of a motivation to actually sit down and do it because I keep trying to procrastinate it away.
Blah, things were going so well before I left for school. And then the car incident happened (I still miss you MAZDA!!) and then driving with grandma and mom, instead of just with mom as planned, happened, and then school happened! Now life feels the way I mistakenly thought it never would again, the way it was for far too long. I know I just need to swallow my pride and suck it up and call her because the last time life was good was when I had talked to her and worked through these things. Part of me is just bitter that these same things are coming up again because I had hoped I had resolved them, but apparently not.
Ugh, just call her, you idiot, stop wasting time and set up an appointment before it's too late.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Do you ever feel like you don't belong? I've spent most of my life feeling that way and I'm not sure why or how to not feel that way anymore. Chalk it up to moving around growing up, or a dysfunctional home life. Whatever the cause, I need to find a cure because lately I feel nothing but lost. Supposedly life is grand - great - or at the very least fun, but I can't say I've ever really felt that way about it and at this point in my life, I really don't see how I'm ever going to - especially at the rate mine is going. I know deep down that there is a point to all this, but I'm having a hard time finding it, and if there were ever a time to find my purpose in life, it would be now because I'm running out of reasons why I'm here.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Instead of doing homework
Right now, instead of doing homework, I am....
Really it comes down to the fact that I already had all these plans and as of tomorrow they may or may not all be completely null and void. I hate making plans just to have them get disrupted by life. I guess that is life. It's just going to be super inconvenient if I find out I won't be graduating in July because I was totally expecting to and had planned this whole semester according to that prior knowledge. All the classes I signed up for this semester, I chose because I thought it was my last semester, if I had known it wasn't going to be my last semester I would have picked completely different classes and saved these classes for my last semester so it would be somewhat easy. If I have to stay another semester I am going to die from the psycho difficulty level of the classes.
And if I have to stay I will have to scramble to find housing, scramble to figure out what classes I am supposed to take next semester (which I would have needed to already register for if I had a chance of getting them), try to figure out an alternative to driving home with my clandestine friend, and about 5o other plans I will then have to substitute with crappy and less than appealing alternatives. So in case you were wondering, that is where all the animosity of today's entry is coming from.
So basically, I've decided to prepare myself for the worst but hope and pray (x a million!!) for the best. I even started to think of some pros of having to stay another semester or two:
1. I really don't think I'm suitable enough for the "real world" at this point in my life
2. Maybe by staying in school longer I'll finally figure out what I want/am supposed to do with my life and what career path I should be preparing for
Yeah, my pros list pretty much ends there. For now I'll feel better if we just assume that everything will be fine and by some miracle, I will get to graduate in July. Maybe they'll let me graduate anyway because they'll sympathize with me since my adviser is apparently an idiot. Gosh, how I hope that is the case.
- thinking that I should be doing homework because I don't really want to do it all tomorrow
- grateful that I have no classes tomorrow
- dreading tomorrow (D-day) because I am afraid to find out if I will in fact be graduating this semester or not for many reasons. Two of which include: fear of having to get out into the "real world" and get a real job, and fear of having to stay in the 'burg for yet another semester but this time all by myself.
Really it comes down to the fact that I already had all these plans and as of tomorrow they may or may not all be completely null and void. I hate making plans just to have them get disrupted by life. I guess that is life. It's just going to be super inconvenient if I find out I won't be graduating in July because I was totally expecting to and had planned this whole semester according to that prior knowledge. All the classes I signed up for this semester, I chose because I thought it was my last semester, if I had known it wasn't going to be my last semester I would have picked completely different classes and saved these classes for my last semester so it would be somewhat easy. If I have to stay another semester I am going to die from the psycho difficulty level of the classes.
And if I have to stay I will have to scramble to find housing, scramble to figure out what classes I am supposed to take next semester (which I would have needed to already register for if I had a chance of getting them), try to figure out an alternative to driving home with my clandestine friend, and about 5o other plans I will then have to substitute with crappy and less than appealing alternatives. So in case you were wondering, that is where all the animosity of today's entry is coming from.
So basically, I've decided to prepare myself for the worst but hope and pray (x a million!!) for the best. I even started to think of some pros of having to stay another semester or two:
1. I really don't think I'm suitable enough for the "real world" at this point in my life
2. Maybe by staying in school longer I'll finally figure out what I want/am supposed to do with my life and what career path I should be preparing for
Yeah, my pros list pretty much ends there. For now I'll feel better if we just assume that everything will be fine and by some miracle, I will get to graduate in July. Maybe they'll let me graduate anyway because they'll sympathize with me since my adviser is apparently an idiot. Gosh, how I hope that is the case.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Someone hide my credit card, quick!
Hello, my name is Jocelyn and I am addicted to buying products from infomercials. That is what I would say if I were in some type of an addiction recovery program, haha. But don't worry I'm going to nip this in the bud before it becomes a real problem.
I hardly ever watch t.v. anymore because I just don't have time with my work schedule, but of course, on my day off yesterday, in the few minutes during which I was waiting for a friend to come over I might add, I turned on the t.v. and there was an infomercial for The Firm's The Wave exercise program. Now, I only watched the infomercial for about 5 minutes before turning it off because my friend had arrived. But somehow, in those 5 minutes I got it in my head that I should give this program a try and that it might be better/more effective than the other infomercial product I recently purchased (a few weeks ago).
I kept trying to talk myself out of it but then I tried to rationalize it by telling myself things like, "oh this will be good, you're giving yourself options. Now you can try this program out and compare it to the one you already bought to see which one you like better." I basically told myself that if I ordered it I would have to pick one of the products to return because having two exercise products is kind of ridiculous. So once this one comes I will try it out and see if I like it better than the Slim in 6 I've been doing.
Now I'm trying to talk myself out of spending way too much on the new makeup that I tried out and actually really LOVE. And did I mention that shoebuy.com was having a shoe sale and that yesterday I bought a pair of black moccasins that I may or may not actually ever use, and I pretty much felt compelled to buy them just because they were on sale for $31 rather than the usual $65? (and I wanted to buy them because I've always wanted a pair of moccasins, but honestly, when am I ever going to use them?) Who is developing a horrible spending habit? Apparently some crazy girl named Jocelyn. Oh wait, that would be me.
I think someone needs to hide my credit card before I get myself into some trouble. Actually, it really is fine, I've already figured out my budget and established that I can purchase all these things and still be fine. The real question is whether or not I should.
I hardly ever watch t.v. anymore because I just don't have time with my work schedule, but of course, on my day off yesterday, in the few minutes during which I was waiting for a friend to come over I might add, I turned on the t.v. and there was an infomercial for The Firm's The Wave exercise program. Now, I only watched the infomercial for about 5 minutes before turning it off because my friend had arrived. But somehow, in those 5 minutes I got it in my head that I should give this program a try and that it might be better/more effective than the other infomercial product I recently purchased (a few weeks ago).
I kept trying to talk myself out of it but then I tried to rationalize it by telling myself things like, "oh this will be good, you're giving yourself options. Now you can try this program out and compare it to the one you already bought to see which one you like better." I basically told myself that if I ordered it I would have to pick one of the products to return because having two exercise products is kind of ridiculous. So once this one comes I will try it out and see if I like it better than the Slim in 6 I've been doing.
Now I'm trying to talk myself out of spending way too much on the new makeup that I tried out and actually really LOVE. And did I mention that shoebuy.com was having a shoe sale and that yesterday I bought a pair of black moccasins that I may or may not actually ever use, and I pretty much felt compelled to buy them just because they were on sale for $31 rather than the usual $65? (and I wanted to buy them because I've always wanted a pair of moccasins, but honestly, when am I ever going to use them?) Who is developing a horrible spending habit? Apparently some crazy girl named Jocelyn. Oh wait, that would be me.
I think someone needs to hide my credit card before I get myself into some trouble. Actually, it really is fine, I've already figured out my budget and established that I can purchase all these things and still be fine. The real question is whether or not I should.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am Now...
Currently I am:
1. Reading Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I was going to start with Sense and Sensibility and read them chronologically, but I realized I don't have S & S. And that led me to realize that I only have 2 of her 6 novels. I then proceeded to buy the other 4 novels from Walmart.com because they were cheaper than Amazon and I was too lazy to actually go out to Walmart and buy them myself. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so since I didn't have S & S I decided just to start with the next one I did have, which happened to be Pride and Prejudice. I like it so far, but it's hard not to think about all the different movie versions I've seen and compare them to the book. I need to not do that because they can't compare, they are very different forms of media and it would be unjust to compare one to the other. It'd be like comparing apples to oranges, so yeah, I'm just going to read it with an open mind.
2. Wondering why I didn't come up with some great idea/product to sell on infomercials, while at the same time wondering why in the world I bought THREE products just this week from infomercials. That is so out of character for me, let me tell ya. It's a good thing I finally have a job or I would be broke from this week's purchases, that's for sure. But I must say I am super excited to try them. Wait, let me back up.
So I saw this infomercial for an acne product earlier this month that claimed to work better than proactive. I've been using proactive for several years and yes it has helped some, but I wasn't in love with it. I've had acne forever it feels like, and this stuff wasn't getting rid of it, and basically I'm just tired of acne, so I decided, What the Heck, I'll try this other product. So I did. Supposedly using this product will give you clear skin in 4 weeks, I'm only on the first week. On Day 5 to be exact, and while it may seem too early to say, I think I am in LOVE! I wish I had discovered this product sooner, but I'm soooo glad I found it now. Hopefully it continues to work as well as it has been so far.
That was my first infomercial purchase. Then I saw one for makeup. I've been using the Bare Minerals and I like it, but again, I'm not totally happy with it, I don't love it. Granted, that may be because I'm not putting it on right or not using the right colors, which is why I need to go to one of their actual stores and have them do a makeover on me to convince me why I shouldn't switch makeup brands. That being said, I don't think I'm completely incompetent when it comes to makeup application, so it may just be that this brand is not the best for me, I'm not ruling anything out.
So I figure that until I can get to an actual BE store and have them do a makeover on me, I'll give this other brand a try and then I'll have something to compare it to and hopefully be able to figure out which one I like better. The downside is that it won't be here for at least a week, maybe two.
And that was my second infomercial purchase. My next infomercial produce purchase happened by accident, sort of. In fact, I really cannot remember now how I got to be looking at it. I didn't search for it or anything, I just found it on a website somewhere. I think maybe I found it when I was reading reviews about exercise programs. Anyway, so I bought an exercise/weight loss program, which will probably end up kicking my butt, however I am NOT going to give up because I paid good money for this and I am GOING to do it and it is GOING to work, GOSH DANG IT!
3. This has turned into a super long rant which needs to end now. There were more things I was going to add to my currently, I am list, but this will be the last one for now. Currently, I am wondering if my adviser got my email telling him which classes I am signing up for next week. He needs to make some changes or fix something so that I can sign up for them. I just hope he is going to do whatever he has to do for me to get those classes before next week because if March 3rd comes around and I can't sign up for the classes I need because he was too busy to fix it then I am going to be EXTREMELY upset. No joke.
That's all for now, possibly more tomorrow.
1. Reading Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I was going to start with Sense and Sensibility and read them chronologically, but I realized I don't have S & S. And that led me to realize that I only have 2 of her 6 novels. I then proceeded to buy the other 4 novels from Walmart.com because they were cheaper than Amazon and I was too lazy to actually go out to Walmart and buy them myself. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so since I didn't have S & S I decided just to start with the next one I did have, which happened to be Pride and Prejudice. I like it so far, but it's hard not to think about all the different movie versions I've seen and compare them to the book. I need to not do that because they can't compare, they are very different forms of media and it would be unjust to compare one to the other. It'd be like comparing apples to oranges, so yeah, I'm just going to read it with an open mind.
2. Wondering why I didn't come up with some great idea/product to sell on infomercials, while at the same time wondering why in the world I bought THREE products just this week from infomercials. That is so out of character for me, let me tell ya. It's a good thing I finally have a job or I would be broke from this week's purchases, that's for sure. But I must say I am super excited to try them. Wait, let me back up.
So I saw this infomercial for an acne product earlier this month that claimed to work better than proactive. I've been using proactive for several years and yes it has helped some, but I wasn't in love with it. I've had acne forever it feels like, and this stuff wasn't getting rid of it, and basically I'm just tired of acne, so I decided, What the Heck, I'll try this other product. So I did. Supposedly using this product will give you clear skin in 4 weeks, I'm only on the first week. On Day 5 to be exact, and while it may seem too early to say, I think I am in LOVE! I wish I had discovered this product sooner, but I'm soooo glad I found it now. Hopefully it continues to work as well as it has been so far.
That was my first infomercial purchase. Then I saw one for makeup. I've been using the Bare Minerals and I like it, but again, I'm not totally happy with it, I don't love it. Granted, that may be because I'm not putting it on right or not using the right colors, which is why I need to go to one of their actual stores and have them do a makeover on me to convince me why I shouldn't switch makeup brands. That being said, I don't think I'm completely incompetent when it comes to makeup application, so it may just be that this brand is not the best for me, I'm not ruling anything out.
So I figure that until I can get to an actual BE store and have them do a makeover on me, I'll give this other brand a try and then I'll have something to compare it to and hopefully be able to figure out which one I like better. The downside is that it won't be here for at least a week, maybe two.
And that was my second infomercial purchase. My next infomercial produce purchase happened by accident, sort of. In fact, I really cannot remember now how I got to be looking at it. I didn't search for it or anything, I just found it on a website somewhere. I think maybe I found it when I was reading reviews about exercise programs. Anyway, so I bought an exercise/weight loss program, which will probably end up kicking my butt, however I am NOT going to give up because I paid good money for this and I am GOING to do it and it is GOING to work, GOSH DANG IT!
3. This has turned into a super long rant which needs to end now. There were more things I was going to add to my currently, I am list, but this will be the last one for now. Currently, I am wondering if my adviser got my email telling him which classes I am signing up for next week. He needs to make some changes or fix something so that I can sign up for them. I just hope he is going to do whatever he has to do for me to get those classes before next week because if March 3rd comes around and I can't sign up for the classes I need because he was too busy to fix it then I am going to be EXTREMELY upset. No joke.
That's all for now, possibly more tomorrow.
Monday, February 1, 2010
scarf girl
It's official. I have become scarf girl. I am now someone that other people give scarves to because they don't know what else to get. Don't get me wrong, I like scarves, in fact, I've started collecting them, but I'm worried about what this implies about me as a person. I'm annoyed at myself that I have allowed myself to be so distant for so long that my friends (who, in theory, I'm supposed to be close to and who are supposed to be the people who know me the best) get me scarves because they don't know what else to give me. It's like when you draw a co-worker's name for Secret Santa and you end up getting them hand lotion or stationary because you don't know them well enough to know what they want or what they would like. And I realize that this sounds like a diatribe against friends, and I'm sorry because it's really NOT that at all. Really I'm just venting my anger and frustration at myself.
Really I'm just disappointed in myself because it is so obviously NO one's fault but my own that people don't know me well enough to know what I like.
I don't know how I got to be so impersonal and distant and removed, but I HATE it. HATE. IT. I keep holding my breath, hoping things will get better. Hoping I'll change or something. Every year I think, "This is MY year, this will be the year I change and have the life I want, be the person I want to be. This will be the year I'll break the cycle" but every year I disappoint myself - again.
Sometimes I really do wish I had a backbone, that I would stop being so wishy-washy and just do it. I'm just so tired of doing and being this day in and day out. Whenever I get like this I have to keep reminding myself about all the times I could/should have died but didn't (some of those times self-inflicted and others not). Apparently, I'm still here for some reason, or at least I like to think so. I just hate not knowing what that reason is.
It's especially disheartening right now because there's not even one thing that I feel good about in my life right now. I don't even like my job, which I should totally enjoy, but I don't. I don't know, it's just sad when the only thing you feel like you have to look forward to is a T.V. show in the middle of the week. Blah, get out of this funk. No wonder you don't have any friends.
Really I'm just disappointed in myself because it is so obviously NO one's fault but my own that people don't know me well enough to know what I like.
I don't know how I got to be so impersonal and distant and removed, but I HATE it. HATE. IT. I keep holding my breath, hoping things will get better. Hoping I'll change or something. Every year I think, "This is MY year, this will be the year I change and have the life I want, be the person I want to be. This will be the year I'll break the cycle" but every year I disappoint myself - again.
Sometimes I really do wish I had a backbone, that I would stop being so wishy-washy and just do it. I'm just so tired of doing and being this day in and day out. Whenever I get like this I have to keep reminding myself about all the times I could/should have died but didn't (some of those times self-inflicted and others not). Apparently, I'm still here for some reason, or at least I like to think so. I just hate not knowing what that reason is.
It's especially disheartening right now because there's not even one thing that I feel good about in my life right now. I don't even like my job, which I should totally enjoy, but I don't. I don't know, it's just sad when the only thing you feel like you have to look forward to is a T.V. show in the middle of the week. Blah, get out of this funk. No wonder you don't have any friends.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year
I have been at my sister's in AZ this past week, which has been nice, interesting, but nice. I haven't visited her and her family for years, and I've never visited while they've lived here. I love my sister but I think I'm only just now starting to realize how very different we really are. And while they really only criticize a select few subjects, I honestly just cannot stand the criticism they do dish out on those subjects. And sometimes she makes me angry for stupid reasons. Oh wait, it's the new year. I'm going to stop right there with my little and loud complaints because none of that is really important right now. What is important is that it is a new year and I'm going to do what I can - no, scratch that. I'm going to make this a good year. The first in a very long time.
Sometimes it's hard to be yourself when you don't feel at liberty to speak your mind or say what you want. And the annoying thing is that that is exactly how I feel with practically everyone. I can't think of even one person to whom I would feel truly comfortable saying anything. Sometimes what you have to say is not nice or good or worthwhile, but regardless, you just need to say it, even if it's just for you.
I need to make a new blog devoted to what should be my one and only real goal for this year. I'll have to do that when I get back.
Sometimes it's hard to be yourself when you don't feel at liberty to speak your mind or say what you want. And the annoying thing is that that is exactly how I feel with practically everyone. I can't think of even one person to whom I would feel truly comfortable saying anything. Sometimes what you have to say is not nice or good or worthwhile, but regardless, you just need to say it, even if it's just for you.
I need to make a new blog devoted to what should be my one and only real goal for this year. I'll have to do that when I get back.
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